To feel (too much) or not to feel (at all)

Whenever I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in the middle, my brain tells me to turn off my ability to feel more than what is necessary because that’s what I do best. Or at least, that’s what I’ve told myself countless times.

My mind can be incredibly convincing. But it took me a lot of effort to be this way. To not be vulnerable. To be distant. To not let go.

I can smell the possibility of me feeling a certain something for someone from a mile away and I immediately start to work my ass off to build walls around me so that when it creeps nearer there’s almost no possibility of me being enticed. And I’ve been doing this for years not entirely because I’d been hurt before, but also because, in the long run, it has proven to be less of a hassle. After all, how can you get hurt if you convince yourself that you don’t feel anything?

I’ve met people who admire me for being this way, but I did slip once or twice. I don’t regret anything, but after investing so much of my time and feelings for someone, I kinda lost track of myself and my priorities in the haze of lust and love.

Whenever I’m stuck in the middle, I find myself being pulled towards two extremities: feeling too much or feeling nothing at all. The latter almost always wins.

I’d been called aloof and numb. I even remember being compared to a rock. I somewhat took pride in that.

Then one day, you suddenly meet someone and things change.

You change. You finally give yourself a chance to just let go and see if it could be worth it. And from one stupid decision to another led by your then-overwhelming feelings for that someone, you realize how immature and pathetic you could be if you let your emotions get the best of you.

But that’s all part of this big ass adventure we call life.

So you deal with it. And you’re lucky because you’re still young. You unexpectedly move on faster than what you had previously anticipated, confirming a certain theory that you were just too blind to see that your feelings had been already long gone.

And the feeling is amazing. Because you’re finally free like you’d never been in a long time. It’s a new you. It’s like a rebirth you’d been wanting to experience. You just hadn’t realized it before because you were slowly drowning in your own stupidity. But, at the same time, you’re thankful despite discovering your ability to be annoyingly insecure, stupid, clingy, and unpleasant because you have a chance to redeem yourself. You have a chance to just be and grow as an individual. To somehow rediscover yourself and go on from there. And, of course, you have a chance to eventually meet someone whom you’ll be able to treat right.

And that is where I am.

There are so many things that could happen; there are endless possibilities and, right now, I live for those.

I’m slightly cynical; I still would rather build up high walls around me; and I haven’t found the balance between feeling too much and of not feeling anything at all. But I’m glad that something has changed: I now have genuine hope for better things to come to my life. And hope in myself to find that balance.