Untitled

My thoughts don’t make sense sometimes, but I figured that I should use this blog to write what I truly think and feel. I haven’t been in the mood to post anything these past few months because I was too busy trying not to drown. But here I am now. This isn’t a happy list. This isn’t an inspirational post.

Isn’t it incredibly hard to find meaning in the things that you do when you don’t feel anything? Well, of course you feel something, but it’s more of a feeling in between numbness and desperation. And all you can ask yourself is, “How did this fucking happen?”.

The truth is this: I used to think I would somehow be “successful.” I believed it. I thought the universe had immense opportunities lined up for me. Well… It’s bullshit. I don’t know what I want. I thought I did. But, lately, it feels like I just spend my days doing what I do because I have to. And the feeling sucks. Sometimes I feel incredibly tired and it’s as if I just let the days pass me by. I go through each day, ridiculously trying to convince myself that something meaningful will happen.

I used to be a dreamer. I honestly miss that. But sometimes the world fucks you over and your perspective in life changes.

I used to be a dreamer, but I’m still hopeful. Maybe some day, years from now, I’ll wake up and remember this post. I’ll remember what I’m feeling right now and realize that I was right all along. Or maybe some day, years from now, I’ll wake up and think how ridiculous the young me was.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but that’s okay. Some days are extremely hard, but I just need to remind myself that better days are coming. I don’t expect everything to fall into place (because I’ve stopped believing in that), but there will be great days ahead for sure. It can’t be all bad.

I don’t know if this feeling of combined numbness and desperation is here to stay. I don’t exactly know the reason behind it. I hope it goes away some day, but if it doesn’t, then I’ll learn to live with it somehow. I just know that I have to.