I thought I would be able to stick to my first job for at least a whole year, but I ended up resigning 11 months and 2 weeks in.
I thought I would be able to save more money that what I have now, but it’s still an ongoing struggle.
I thought people’s first impression of me would never change, but apparently I don’t appear to be bitchy and/or quiet anymore.
In the past year I’ve gotten to know myself more in ways I didn’t think I ever would. I discovered parts of myself I never thought would surface. I found out how diverse my personality could be depending on the people I’m with.
I definitely had no idea what life after college had in store for me, but now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of it, I can say that I’ve learned a thing or… three.
1) It’s okay to quit
All those people who already know what they want from life are damn lucky. And I’m not talking about vague and far-fetched goals. While they’ve already got their lives planned out, there we are, the others who have so many conflicting thoughts and desires it’s almost hard to keep track.
When I realized I wasn’t happy with my old job anymore, I admit I sometimes shed tears because I felt so frustrated. I talked to my mum about it quite a few times, but she advised me not to quit. After all, I was lucky to have a job while others are struggling every day to make ends meet. I understood her point, but it just made me even more unhappy. I wanted her to understand me and to give me her blessing. I honestly felt stuck. I felt like I was drowning deeper and deeper every single day. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible, but at the end of the day, that wasn’t enough and I knew it.
I often pondered what quitting would entail. Of course, it would look bad on my resume if I quit too soon. I was also sure that the concept of uncertainty would soon hit me hard. What would happen if I didn’t find a new job soon? How long would my almost non-existent savings last me? A bunch of other questions would haunt me till dawn sometimes, but none of those questions weighed as much as the fact that I wasn’t happy.
But who was I to be selfish by thinking of my happiness first instead of sucking it up and just being thankful for having a permanent job? Well, I was a 20-something girl, almost fresh out of college, who was feeling lost. I was also a 20-something girl, who still had the luxury to take the plunge and JUST FUCKING QUIT.
One day I decided I would do it. I knew if I didn’t do it then, I could be stuck in an unhappy place for a long time. Of course, things turned out well for me because, just a few days after I had submitted my resignation letter, I found a new job in the industry where I really want to be.
I admit that it’s not gonna be like that for everyone, but if you don’t take the risk to leave behind whatever makes you unhappy, you’ll never be able to start anew. And perhaps it’s something that would always make you wonder. If you don’t risk it, you might truly miss a shot at happiness. Would you want that? I certainly hope not.
2) It’s okay to be alone
A couple of months after graduation I went through a break up. I’ve taught myself how to always look at the positive side of things no matter what the situation is and I didn’t fail to do so that time either. I realized I had the chance to finally give myself time to grow, learn from my mistakes, and thoroughly enjoy my early 20s in the company of my friends when our schedules permitted us to meet or simply in the company of myself. As lonely as it sounds, I’d like to stress that being alone and being lonely are two different concepts.
Being alone entails having no company and just being by yourself, while being lonely is more of a deep-rooted feeling that you could also feel while in the company of others.
I like to think that being alone could be considered as some kind of art. I haven’t mastered it, but I like the feeling of being alone. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to do more things on my own like eating alone at a fancy restaurant and going to a bar to have a couple of drinks.
But I like the way I spend my me time. I like staying at home some weekends and just reading. I like going through my files and finding something nice to watch. I like sorting my old and new magazines and finding something interesting to look at and read. I like lying down and simply enjoying the moment.
Being alone and actually enjoying it is one of the most fulfilling feelings. You realize that you can actually survive on your own. And I believe that if you recognize the full worth of this kind of solitude, then you’ll be able to all the more appreciate the company of others. And it’ll feel different and refreshing somehow.
It took me years to be truly okay with being alone, but I’m glad I finally am.
3) It’s okay to be scared
It really is okay because, if it isn’t, then I’m screwed.
I’m still scared. Sometimes I feel like I’m scared every day. Scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen next. Scared because I don’t know how much more I’ll be pushed to my limits. Scared of the unknown. Scared of my own capabilities. Scared of my intense feelings or, sometimes, lack thereof. Scared that I won’t achieve too much in life. Scared that I’ll always be mediocre. Scared that I’m not living my life the way I should. Scared that there are endless possibilities ahead of me.
Yet oddly, I love being scared. I’d rather be scared of the future than have everything planned out. Sometimes I feel as if every day is a scary adventure that’s worth the while.
Being scared can be a good thing. Because even if I’m scared I still move forward. And that makes me feel as if I could go through anything and still find myself standing strong at the end of it all.
I’d be lying if I said that I’m sure everything is going to be okay. Because it may not. But I do hope for the best. I hope to look back years from now and come to the conclusion that I lived a happy and fulfilling life. But I don’t want to focus too much on that. I can barely focus on the near future. Who knows what I will be up to in a few months? Or even in a few weeks?
I might be scared, but I am also excited to have so many things to look forward to. Yes, I’m definitely scared. And that’s okay. Because, maybe, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
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