Dear dadi,
It's been two years. I've wanted to write this for so long, but the timing never felt right. In 2016, it had felt too soon and in 2017, I'd tried to piece myself back together and focus on myself.
Admittedly, I try not to think of you often because whenever I do, I just feel like bawling my eyes out. And now that I'm writing this, I'm really trying hard not to, but barely succeeding.
This is my favorite picture of us. I was too young to remember this particular moment, but it tells me a lot about our relationship. This had been taken before you and mami separated. Before I grew up and started resenting you. Looking back now, I was just a kid who wanted to be part of a happy family. I was too focused on my own happiness and couldn't understand that if you had stayed together you both would've been miserable.
I carried that pain for a lot of years, which caused us to grow apart even though I never felt as if you'd never cared for me. We had been thousands of miles away from each other for years, but I still remember talking to you over the phone sometimes. What had we talked about? I wish I could recall.
Everybody had said I was your favorite, your ongkyap (because who knows why, but I referred to hopia as ongkyap). I think, as a kid, I had liked you very much. I guess most kids look up to their dad and I wish that'd never changed.
After high school, I'd learned so much about myself and started my journey of becoming a better person. That had meant letting go of negative feelings and thoughts which ultimately had no purpose in my life. I'd decided to become more open and to mend our relationship. Whenever I was in Batangas, I'd drop by to see you too. I'd respond to your Facebook messages or comments even though they were your typical embarrassing dad jokes. I'd look forward to your birthday greetings (even though I don't really celebrate my birthday) because it made my heart warm that you hadn't forgotten. Looking back, they all had been little things but those little things mattered to me. And still do.
I'm not sure I believe in fate, but something had brought us all together the night before you passed away. It was December 31 and we were almost complete. We were celebrating New Year's Eve together. I would have normally been in Manila, but I had recently quit my job then and had nowhere else to be. My trip to Vietnam and Cambodia was a couple of weeks away, so I'd wanted to spend some time with family. It was so much fun; honestly one of the best. None of us could have imagined that, just a few hours after, everything would change.
You'd decided to go home a little after 2 am because you were tired. We'd stayed at tita's house and slept over. In the morning, we were waiting for you to message us but you hadn't been active on Facebook for hours, which was odd since you'd usually check it once you woke up. We were supposed to go to the mall after lunch, but still hadn't heard from you. Ate started being paranoid in the car, but I told her to calm down even though deep inside I'd started panicking myself. We ditched the mall and decided to go to you instead.
Your bedroom door was locked. We knocked and rang your phone so many times, but you weren't answering. We decided to kick down the door and saw you on your bed. Lifeless. We rushed you to the hospital anyway, but it was too late. We were too late.
The following week was a blur. Relatives abroad came home. I cried every single day. Had barely any sleep. To this day, it's the toughest thing that I’ve ever had to go through. There hadn't been any warning. We had all been caught off guard.
You weren't perfect, but nobody is. A lot of people loved you and still do. Whenever I'd see you with my niece, Anya, I hoped that one day you would love my kids as much. Whenever I think of you, it pains me to know that you will never see me get engaged and married. You will never be able to walk me down the aisle. We will never get to share our first father-daughter dance on my wedding day. You will never meet my husband and spend time with any of my kids. (That is, if I do decide to get married and have kids.)
Every time I imagine all these possibilities, my heart breaks. This is the most painful and biggest heartbreak of my life. Because of and despite everything that we'd been through, you are the most important man in my life. Because I know you loved me the best way you could. And, even if it hurts, I am so grateful that we got to spend your last day on earth together.
Wherever you are, please know that I will always love you and miss you. And that I will always try to make you proud.
Love,
Your ongkyap
♥♥♥
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