This could be an early quarter life crisis (or, simply put, life lately)

It's one of those beautiful days when you take a good look at your life and ask yourself, "What do I do next?"

When I was still in college I put this immense pressure on myself to do well, so that after graduation I could find a great job, earn well, and "live happily ever after." (At least I was already smart enough to know that a prince charming wasn't what I needed.) I thought that doing so would propel me towards great opportunities. I honestly believed that. Society had successfully fooled me into believing that a great education and perseverance were the main ingredients in making sure that I wouldn't go astray from the career path that was meant for me.

After two years of working non-stop, here I am: funemployed and absolutely clueless on what I really want to do next (although, to be fair, also well-rested for the first time in months).

I'm not gonna blame my childhood (growing up in a broken family ought to mess with how you deal with this so-called life) or any other factor for my indecisiveness and "lack of direction." But I'm not gonna lie and tell you that the following quote hasn't stuck with me:

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

But really, WHAT IS HAPPINESS? WHAT IS SUCCESS? I thought society had the answer. Savings in your bank account? A career in a fast-paced industry? Enough free time to spend with your loved ones? A loving relationship with The One up there? Sure, on paper those things are definitely attractive, but the meanings of happiness and success differ from person to person. And I realized that I didn't wanna be constrained by society's own definitions. I didn't wanna conform anymore just because I feared judgment. Because that wasn't me.

No offense to my friends and other people who have asked me what I want to do with my life (I know you're just looking out for me), but the answer is I DO NOT KNOW (just yet) and I'm perfectly fine with it. I'm in my early 20s and that's not so bad, right? It's not about not wanting to be independent (because if we are close enough then you'll know that's what I've been for most of my life) and not wanting to achieve great things; I just don't wanna be stuck doing something that doesn't really appeal to me only to be consumed so greatly that I wake up one day wondering why I let it happen.

Is this a millennial mentality? Is it a lack of vision and passion? MAYBE SO. But this doesn't have to mean that I'm throwing my life away. This doesn't have to mean that my life is meaningless. It just means that, unlike others who have already figured it out, I'm just taking a little bit more time to get to know myself and discover the kind of journey that I want to pursue.

I had been so obsessed with perfect grades and thoughts of the kind of lifestyle I believed I needed in order to "be happy" according to society's standards that I kinda lost track of what it really means to LIVE and LOVE MYSELF. I had given so many pieces of advice to people who needed to hear kind words, so why couldn't I be kind to myself? Why did I have to try so hard to have it all at the expense of my mental and physical health?

So that's what I'm doing right now. I decided to rest for a few months and do more things for myself: catch up on some tv shows, listen to new music, see more of the world, write more, read anything interesting, get a decent amount of sleep, study something different, and focus on new goals. I'd also been used to being so private about my thoughts and dreams, but I'm slowly learning to let go. I'm opening up more and it's cool to hear different perspectives about life.

I do hope to look back one day and be able to say that I made the right decision to give myself this opportunity. There's no right way of doing things anyway. And if someone tells you there is, just know that what worked for them might not work for you. Only you can decide what to do with your life. :)