A penny for my thoughts

This was a rough year for me. It may not have seemed that way to other people, but I can’t blame them. I’m not one to open up, not even to my closest friends. I went through a lot of bad days, trying to fight my inner thoughts. But last week, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes my situation.

“Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did.” ―Destiny S.

To be fair, I had more good days than bad ones this year. But, of course, when you’re in the middle of a bad one, you completely forget all the things that make you happy and you should be thankful for. At least, that’s what happens to me. But I did go on. I did move forward. And I’m glad I did.

I guess it was particularly hard because I hadn’t felt it in years. And years ago, I decided to leave everything behind so I could feel better. But this time I couldn’t do that. I had nowhere to run to. My health, job, relationships, aka my whole life, were all affected because I wasn’t okay. And I couldn’t really tell anyone what I was going through. Except my mum. My mum is probably the only one who knows pretty much what is going on with my life, but it’s never easy for me to explain my feelings and my thoughts. I remember tweeting this, “Sometimes my own thoughts terrify me.” And they do. Because sometimes they’re hard to fight. They’re hard to silence. I’m just glad she’s always there for me. I literally do not know where I would be or what would happen to me if it weren’t for her.

This is just a glimpse of my life and my thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever fully explain what I’ve gone through to anyone because I don’t even know where I would begin. And because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like exposing my deepest emotions. And maybe that’s the reason why I’d rather pretend that I can’t feel. Sometimes I’m not even sure I’m pretending. Sometimes it feels like I’ve mastered the art of indifference whenever I’m around other people.

But the truth is this: I do have feelings. I’m vulnerable. I’m a wreck. I’m a hurricane of emotions.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next few years. I just hope I’ll have the strength to go on again and again.